I came in the room, all relaxed and saw C hugging D and telling her "I love you, I love you...D" while D was screaming at C and pushing her away. I asked C what she did. All she could do is to look at me in the eye and waiting for me to tell her to sit her in her time out chair. I know that C bit D because C wanted to change the show. D came to stop C from changing the DVD (Yes, she knows how to operate the player). Since C wants her way, and D's arm was on her way... she launched for a snap!
I discipline my kids differently but in the same manner. They have different personalities and different ways to catch their heart. I don't discipline when I am mad or just to prove a point. I discipline to understand them.
It's funny, how different my discipline style is with my 3 kids. When they were 2.5 and I would tell them not to touch the lamp. It goes this way...
To big brother - emotional and factual/scientific way, "I! Don't touch the lamp. That will hurt you because there's electricity (yes, he knows what electricity it at 2.5). Electricity can give you a big boo boo and blood will come out. Mommy will cry if that happens. I will be so, so sad!" Then, that's it! He never did touch any lamp or even electric socket, ever!"
With my twins:
C, the clever, learn-by-actual-experience girl - "C, I saw that! I know that looks nice. But, oh my! If you touch that and you touch this part... see this hot, hot lamp (letting her touch it a bit just so she feels)? If no one's here and you suddenly touch it - boom! My, it is hotter than mommy's coffee cup, remember?" C would look at me and say "hot? lamp?" Then, she gets it.
D, my assertive, no-is-yes girl - "D! uh uh uh.. please don't touch it. (she still touches it). D?! What did mommy... (then slaps the lamp even more). I said don't touch it (slaps it again even harder). No other way or explanation but just to pull her away from the lamp - she gets it anyway.
I heard of many stories wherein moms publicly spanking them right in front of everybody or even giving them a time out in a restaurant. Would you like your boss doing the same way to you in a professional way? :)
If you ask me if I do spanking, yes and no. Like what I said, each kid is unique and different. I've spanked my eldest 3x eversince and now he's older, we have resolved things through time out. Discipline is not only spanking and time out. I don't do that just when I feel like it but, if needed - it's done right away in a hidden place where no one would even know it ever happened.
Between me and my husband, we have decided that I do the more invasive discipline. We have levels of ways to discipline. But, I never discipline something that was not yet clear and set from the beginning. Ex. if we go out and I always tell them the agenda, if anything out of that agenda happened that wasn't yet cleared out with them (ex. accidentally shopping for myself and we all know how boring that is for them) then, suddenly a child turn in a tantrum. I have no right to discipline them but I have to stop and reassure her that we're going to a place we've planned. So, everything should be clear with them. Otherwise, the levels of discipline goes:
- Calm verbal reminder. Ex. "I hope you remember our rule, you cannot eat candies at night."
- Creative, Firm Verbal Reminder Ex. "C, I know you want to eat candies tonight. But, candies will make you jump and jump the entire night. It's not fun! How about if you help me make milk, it's like helping mom make my coffee."
- Firm Reminder Ex. "C, I told you the rule and you know it. No Candies at night! If you don't like that-it's still a no."
Normally, at that level... we don't go into the 4th level anymore. They would either cry just a bit, look for someone who could allow them (which generally, everybody knows my rule), or they would just say "Alright." Then go do something else.
We do time-out or meet Mr. Spanky, only at intentional rule breakers ex. Biting, pushing, disobedience, lying/making up stories, impatiently wanting to do something that I have already 100x said No.
These are things that I will never spank them with:
- Insisting to eat candies/food that are not allowed to be eaten
- Accidents (like, accidentally spilling milk)
- Not keeping still while you dress/undress them or change their nappies.
- Spilling food/ milk/ spit ups on your nice dress
- Accidentally hitting another child because of physical self-defense
We are their parents and not because they are small we can dictate what we want. Discipline is not just spanking or shouting. That is the last and final resort and must never use your own hand or any part of your body to get your message across. Kids are smart and they can understand very well.
This works for my family and my rule is, if I said it then it is. I don't change or sway my decision. The only problem is, when there are people like family, grandparents, siblings, friends who try to act like a saviour when you are trying to discipline your child. You have to tell them to leave you because, if you cannot grab the heart of a child now you or nobody in your family will ever win his/her heart when he grows up. Eventually, his friends will become his family and you will become his/her enemy. Although, deliberately spanking them unnecessarily also constitutes to being rebellious.
Pray to be a more creative parent to discipline your children so you are only set to stop on the 1st level.
How about you? How do you handle when your child has tantrums in public?
